Dear Blog Friends,
I've been writing website copy for interior designers/redesigners for the past month or so and it dawned on me, not long after hubby Steve and I happily celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary on June 7, that a beautiful home space has little meaning if the marriage relationship living inside of that beautiful home is not happy, fresh, and vital. And sometimes that means a little redesign of the marriage may be necessary, which could mean that such things as chores need to be reassigned for a more harmonious whole, or child rearing duties need to be rearranged so that one partner is not frayed at the edges, just like in a room. Surely redesigning a marriage to keep it fresh is better than having to get to the point where a whole remodel is necessary, or more sadly, a demolition. Something to think about, right?
In addition to writing for home magazines and entrepreneurs, I also write for wedding magazines and in the past few years have interviewed many brides, grooms, wedding planners, photographers, and other wedding vendors. I've heard it all. And I can tell you confidently that while a lovely wedding, large or small, is a beautiful and joyous occasion, it does not a good marriage make. Because after the big pretty party is over, the real life at home begins. And along with that wedded bliss comes dirty dishes, Fido's spots on the carpet, in-laws who may insist you spend every holiday with them, possible illness requiring much care and money, job stressors like unexpected transfers and unemployment, and just the garden variety bad hair days like when you've had yet another bad perm from the fifth hairdresser!
So is there any hope for the union called marriage, with all that's up against it? I answer with a resounding YES from both my personal experience and from the "experts" I interviewed as I attempt to give my newlyweds some marriage tips below. No, I didn't talk to marriage counselors (many of whom admit they have been divorced repeatedly themselves) or to priests who've never been married. I interviewed the real marriage experts: those who have been in committed long term marriages and who still have it. What's it? Love, gratitude, service to each other, appreciation, playfulness and fun, commitment, doing things together, faith in God, romance, and devotion to name a few. Yes, after all those years!
With all but one couple below, I have been personal friends with them, through the ups and downs of life (some of which would flatten the strongest of the strong, but did not them) and I can attest that they are all awesome couples! Does that mean they're perfect? Nah. But I have observed them do the "it" things mentioned above. Repeatedly.
Meet my interviewees, the "Marriage Experts".... real couples who share their tips and wisdom: (Please excuse the funky blogger spacing!)
Joyce and Mike
Married nearly 33 years
Two grown sons
1. Go into the marriage committed. We take our vows very seriously.
2. Make worshipping together a habit. Pray, go to church, and teach this to your children.
3. Do nice things for each other. Mike tells Joyce she makes the BEST iced tea! Back rubs are nice too.
4. Show respect and be accepting of one another.
5. By all means, see the humor in all life situations. Joyce notes, "One time when I had an exasperating day with the kids and was complaining to my husband, his only comment to me was, "Well, if that's the case I guess we'll just have to send those kids back where they came from." All we could do was laugh at how ridiculous THAT possibility, and my whining, was."
Vern & Ellie
Married over 40 years
Two grown sons
Two granddaughters
"Realize it's not just all about you. Whatever you say, do, or decide affects both of you, so if you want the joy of togetherness, realize it's built on thinking of your spouse as well as yourself."
Phil & Marsha
Married 30 years
Two grown sons
1. Keep God in the center of your marriage. This one goes without saying: Pray together, worship together, serve together.
2. Stay playful. Find a way to make each other laugh/smile each day.
3. Give lots of hugs.
4. Stop what you are doing and make eye contact when you talk to each other.
5. Have joint interests, but also have separate interests and support each other in those areas.
6. When your husband gives you a BIG ROCK for your birthday, smile and graciously accept the newly poured cement!
Nancy & Roland
Married 30 years
Two grown children
1. Realize when first married that your family of origin's lingo might not be the same as theirs. When I was a young bride I sent my hubby to the store with "butter" on the list. In my head that meant margarine as my family called margarine butter. He bought real butter and as married-in-college kids, butter was well above our means!
2. Say what you mean and mean what you say. One year Roland asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day and I said "nothing" because our budget was so tight. He kept asking and I kept saying "nothing." But at the end of the day I was sad and he noticed and felt bad. Now he tells all young guys, "No matter if your wife or girlfriend says to get her nothing, get her something!" We still laugh about it.
3. Take time for each other. Even if it's just to go get an ice cream cone or a ride. Or maybe it means going to an event with your spouse that is not something you would choose to do but you do it for them.
4. Don't live with regrets.
5. If you have children, present a united front. Do not let kids come between you because by showing respect to the other parent your child knows they cannot pit one parent against the other.
6. Church and faith are tops.
Rachel and Philip
Married 24 years
(I do not know Rachel personally but she's a sweet blogger at
A Romantic Porch.1. We choose to show love. Sometimes that' s not a feeling, but an action. We hold hands and kiss each other every time one of us leaves or returns and end all our conversations with, "I love you."
2. We do not keep secrets from each other nor talk unkindly about the other behind our backs. We look for daily opportunities to converse with each other so we try and stay on the same page.
3. We make every effort to be considerate of the other and not cause deliberate irritation.
4. We respect each other.
5. Our first words in the morning, and the last at night, are: "I love you."
Steve & Kathryn (Yes, that's me and my hubby Steve!)
Married 29 years
No children
1. Have faith and keep God at the center of your marriage. We pray with each other and for each other and we attend marriage retreats at a wonderful Christian mission near our home. We chose our own Christian denomination when we married, rather than using the two we were raised with that we did not feel accurately expressed our beliefs.
2. We are both committed to putting our marriage first above all outside forces and are each other's confidant and best friend. We say, "You're my best friend." Punctuated with a hug. Often.
3. We do our best to get along with and honor extended family and friends, but our mate comes first. Always, even if others don't like that M.O. or agree with it.
4. Make regular time for romance. Our hobby is traveling to Bed & Breakfast Inns plus we've made our own romantic inn at home by decorating our bedroom like one, and snuggling up there on Friday night with a great movie, a bucket of takeout chicken, and a champagne-style glass of Martinelli's. We turn off the phone and tune out the world; it's just the two of us.
5. Appreciate each other. I tell my husband often that I appreciate his kind gestures and loving "teddy bear" spirit. And not one day in the 29 years we have been married has gone by that we have not told each other we loved each other at least once, if not more. And yes, even when we are annoyed with each other, as every married couple sometimes is, if they're honest about it. And we have always hugged and kissed often. In the kitchen. In the living room. In public.
6. Tailor your marriage to you. We realize that the lifestyle that works for one couple may not work for another and we choose to live our life in a way that works for us. No matter who does or does not approve, we are true to ourselves because we don't want to get to the end of our life, as some we have observed do, and realize we lived someone else's version of life instead of our own.
7. Grow together, not apart. We are always evaluating whether our current way of living and being together is still appropriate for the people we are now. If not, we change it to grow.
8. Set your home up in a style, decor, and arrangement that works for both of you. If it needs work, redesign or redecorate. We choose to keep our home simple but attractive in a decorative style that we both like, compromising as we go if needed. We share a small home office and my side is feminine cottage foo foo and his is a dark wood armoire and black chair. Yin and yang, that's us!
9. Do nice little things to nurture each other. When Father's Day rolled around, even though my hubby is not a father, I made him a steak, potatoes, and sausage breakfast and bought him a new grill pan, all of which he loved. I put love notes in his lunch bag sometimes. And when I am pulling out my hair with 12 midnight writing deadlines he brings me food on a pretty tray in bed, with a flower no less, and he says, "I love you and I'm proud of you." Music to my ears! Or he gets takeout food when I'm tired and don't feel like cooking.
10. Adapt creatively. Life seldom goes how we might plan. At least ours doesn't seem to! But we can choose how we respond to disappointments and stressors. And we choose to be as positive as possible. Does that mean we never complain? Nah. But we don't stay there long; we move forward the best way we know how.
11. Let there be spaces in your togetherness. It's healthy to have some time away from your mate to be just who you are as an individual and to nurture your own being. Whenever I do this, I feel closer to my hubby upon my return.
I think both the bottom line and the blessing of marriage is best summed up by Joyce, above:
"Keeping a marriage going is hard work, really. Not always fun. But the joy that comes from a marriage is like no other happiness!"
May your marriage and home bloom, young newlyweds!
Love, Kathryn :)
Welcome to Mon Petit Chateau (My Little Castle) where 
I spruced up our front door area with a new welcome mat, some pink flowers in the corner, and a sweet kitty statue that reminds me of my real life kitty Monique whom I lost this year. The little curled up kitty is sporting angel wings, as is Monique these days I'm sure.
Wal-Mart did great with this one I thought for only $12.99 and it went with all my other stuff.
I like how my terrace furniture turned out....what a can of paint won't do!
We had lunch out there once the paint was dry...great summer fun!
Get comfy with your iced tea and sit awhile! Want me to bring you a good book from my personal library?!
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home! I love Mon Petit Chateau. Do you love yours? If not, it's time for a summer spruce-up!
